What NOT to say to a pregnant lady

So being pregnant gets you a lot of attention. Almost all of it is positive - people opening doors, giving up their seats, even letting you ahead of them in line. And most people have very nice things to say and ask the right and appropriate questions. However, there still are lots of other comments and questions that come up that make me just scratch my head and think "really?". Here's a few of my favorites:

1.   “Just you wait” – For anything involving baby, child rearing, birth and labor, sleeping through the night, etc. This phrase just bugs the heck out of me for several reasons. First, what am I supposed to say to that – “ok I’ll wait and see”? Next, each baby, experience, and child is different so what happens to me may be the polar opposite of what happened to you. Also, and it may be because I’m extra sensitive right now, but it sounds condescending.

2.   “Get ready for your life to change” – What, you mean I can’t go out to happy hour every night and take weekend trips just the two of us anymore???? Hold the phone, send this baby back. DUH. Anyone who gets pregnant and expects their life to stay the same should not be having children. I understand that our lives will be totally different, with entirely new priorities, routines, and challenges. And while you can’t predict everything that will happen, I’m pretty sure that we’ve already grasped that our lives will be changing. Again, it may be that I’m sensitive right now, but this also sounds condescending.

3.   “What made you pick that name?” – Luckily, I haven’t had anyone come out and say this outright, but I’ve heard other expectant mothers complain about it; I’ve even heard people say “ew” in response to baby names!! Straight up rude! The only slightly negative responses that I’ve received in revealing our baby name were silence then change of subject, some “oh, that’s interesting”, and other comments of the sort. I don’t expect everyone to love the name that we’ve chosen for our baby – just as I wouldn’t have picked names that others have chosen. But people need to understand that most parents when picking out their child’s name don’t just pull it out of a hat. There is usually lots of deliberation, consideration, and thought put into it, so bashing a name is a no-no. Just stick with the “if you don’t have anything nice don’t say anything” rule.

4.   Any comments about what we are eating or drinking. As stated in previous posts, I have done my research. I know what I can and can't eat, what supplements are good or bad, how many calories I can have in a day, and what nutrients my baby needs to be healthy. So imagine my shock when I had a GUY (a guy?! has he ever given birth? was he my doctor?) at Starbucks actually say “are you sure you are allowed to drink that?” as I was waiting for my tall non-fat latte. He immediately knew he said the wrong thing when I went into a speech about all the research I’ve done about caffeine and pregnancy. Needless to say, he was embarrassed and quickly told me how great I looked and mumbled something about enjoying my time because it goes fast.  Well maybe he shouldn’t have ordered his venti white chocolate frapp – does he know how much sugar is in that??

5.   And last, but not least:  “Oh are you having twins?” or, my favorite “You’re due in 4 weeks? I thought you were going to say tomorrow!”  – Let me make this clear: ANY COMMENTS ABOUT A PREGNANT WOMAN’S SIZE ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. You have to be an idiot to not realize this. I mean, come on, you wouldn’t say something to a random overweight person you see in the grocery store would you? Then why do people think its ok to comment on the size of a pregnant woman? We are already worried enough about our weight gain, uncomfortable with other symptoms, and full of hormones that make us sensitive. Plus, most of us are proud to show off our bellies; we are creating a life here, an amazing miracle and feat of science. So don’t bring us down by comments on size. Or I may have to comment on your nose, your teeth, your haircut or outfit. And I won’t be nice about it.

So here’s a great rule of thumb: if you see a pregnant woman and you are inclined to ask a question or make a comment but don’t know what to say, smile, say “congratulations, that’s so exciting” and move on.

Knowledge is Power

So like most newly pregnant girls, one of the first things I did when I saw that positive test was run out and buy some books. And then check a few more out at the library. Books on planning, pregnancy, diet, exercise, infant care, labor and delivery, and more. Then there was the internet. You name it, I read about it. Luckily I only actually purchased four out of the bazillion that I read. Otherwise, I would have been in the hole for about $200 worth of material that I could just find out online. Thank goodness for my county library card, the "free" section for my Kindle, and the millions of web pages out there just bursting with information. Here's a listing of the books I found helpful:

I absolutely bought the standard "What to Expect..." like everyone else and actually found it very helpful and full of interesting information. Now I've read lots of blog book reviews out there and know that lots of women find it boring, scary, or full of information that doesn't pertain to them. But I like to read E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. And no, it didn't make me nervous or fearful of the "what ifs". The index made it easy to look up what I needed and the week by week synopsis and month by month Q and A were pertinent to what was going on with my body at the time.

Jenny McCarthy is HILARIOUS. I bought this book for my Kindle as a light-hearted read and it was definitely worth it. Many times I would be reading this in bed and burst out laughing, with Sean sitting next to me wondering what the heck was going on. Obviously this book is not meant to be scientific in any way and a lot of her stories are outrageous and never happened to me but I can still relate and laugh my belly off. She breaks down each chapter into symptoms or stages of pregnancy and has a great way of making horrible or gross situations laughable - everyone should be able to laugh at themselves like she does. I read this within my first trimester and had yet to experience a lot of what she discussed so I may just have to re-read it. And I'll probably laugh even harder.

I bought this pregnancy planner the day I found out I was pregnant. I was in Target shopping for something for Sean as a fun way to tell him the news when I passed by the book section and couldn't help myself. I bought this along with the "What to Expect..." And to my surprise it actually has been a great book to have. It's not the best resource for information as it just lightly touches on things week to week but there's a great journal section, spaces to list questions for your doctor, to-do lists, registry checklists (I actually used this when registering and it was great), question and answer to prompt journal entries, and spaces to record symptoms, etc. I LOVE planning and making lists so this was perfect for me.

Thank you to my brother-in-law, Eddie, for gifting this book to us! Baby Bargains was helpful to have not only to find the best deals but just as a starting point to sort through the TONS of baby products, gadgets, and gizmos that are out there. When we started to thinking of registering, it was absolutely overwhelming. Not just in the sense of "what crib to choose" but just what do I need or not need in general. And the great answer is, you don't need a whole lot of the junk that's out there. A place for baby to sleep, things to keep them clothed and warm, fed, diapered, cleaned, and occupied are all you need. This was an awesome resource for navigating through all those resources and we found that we truly were able to get the best bang for our buck.

Now for the Negative Nancy part, materials not that helpful:

Anything on diet and exercise. Waste of money, glad I used the library for these. This is simple information that you can find online. I think that in my early pregnancy "need to know everything" state of mind I thought these may be helpful or enlightening, but really it's not hard. As far as excercise I just followed what my doctor suggested as well as found some great prenatal workout videos on Amazon. Follow a healthy diet and avoid foods on your doctor's "avoid list". Simple.

Another thing to watch out for is information that you find online. All of the websites such as thebump.com, babycenter.com, etc. are very helpful when the articles are actually written by medical professionals; what's not helpful are the community blog portions of those sites in which people ask for medical advice and random moms-to-be are answering their questions. Honestly, it is scary how dumb and misinformed some of the answers are and I pray that no one really follows the medical advice of some random stranger from who knows where when it comes to the health of their baby. If you have questions, consult your doctor. And if you are reading articles, be sure to research who wrote them and what legitimate authority they have on the subject.

Now, this is not to say that everything that people post is garbage. There are some great blogs that I read for advice on registry items, places to find maternity clothes, nursery ideas, etc. And it's nice to read posts and blogs from other women who are experiencing the same things you are - you are not alone in your discomforts, worries, and excitement.

Now, off to find some books to read on how to get baby to sleep through the night...

Attempting to keep it together 24/7,

Elizabeth

Expectant Elizabeth: 33 Weeks

Gender?  Baby Boy!!

Weight gain? 34 lbs

Size? About 15 inches, 4 pounds, the size of a Durian fruit, says the books. This is funny as it's known to be the smelliest fruit in the world!

Stretch marks? Still none yet, knock on wood! The best stuff has been an oil that came in the Earth Mama Angel Baby gift set Sean bought me. Also, one of his patients who is a prenatal nurse recommended Bio Oil which I started using when Earth Mama ran out - also great to use! In the beginning I tried using the Palmers that everyone raves about but just didn't like the smell.

Maternity clothes? Still making use of both maternity and pre-pregnancy though my non-maternity pants are getting a little tight in the bum area! I've also had to purchase a a maternity support belt as I have been having pain in my pelvic floor area; the doctor was right - it helps! And I had to buy the ugliest pair of compression socks; but they help with the swelling in my feet. Vanity has now gone out the window.

Sleep?  Not as great as it once was. I am tossing and turning to get comfortable and my once large-capacity bladder has now shrunk, giving way to those midnight bathroom calls.

Miss Anything? Let's see...my small waist, running, martinis, bending over, lifting things...all these things I used to take for granted!

Cravings? Berries! Yogurt with almonds, chicken salad, SMOOTHIES

Symptoms? Heartburn, heartburn, heartburn. And it's a bitch. The company that owns TUMS loves me now. Fatigue, swollen feet, pelvic floor pain as my belly gets bigger.

Belly button? Still in!! Its amazing, but its holding in there.

Best Moment this week? We picked out some paint samples from Home Depot to test out the colors on the baby's wall. It was neat to see everything start coming together in terms of our plans.

Looking forward to? CLOSING ON OUR NEW HOUSE THIS FRIDAY!!! It has been great staying with our friends but I'm super ready to get into our new house and making it our own.

Exercise? Too be honest, it's been minimal. Aside from walking daily, that's about it. My energy levels and all that has been going on have just not allowed more to be possible

Attempting to keep it together 24/7,

Elizabeth

Expectant Elizabeth: Week 24

Gender?  Baby Boy!!

Size? About 12 inches, and a pound and a half!

Stretch marks?  None yet. But I've gotten that damn linea nigra! I was reading up on it and apparently it's caused by a melanocyte-stimulating hormone that's made by the placenta. They say that the more fair you are, the more likely you are to get it. Oh well, at least it's temporary! Guess it's a one-piece bathing suit for me!

Maternity clothes? Still making use of both maternity and not, thank goodness.

Sleep?  Just last week I was saying "I never have to wake up at night to use the restroom". Well I spoke to soon. Every night this week! Plus my back has been killing me. So my dear husband stopped by Babies R Us on the way home and bought me a wedge pillow for the belly. Woo-Hoo! Thank goodness. That has helped with back pain so much.

Miss Anything? Still alcohol - geez, it sounds like I'm an alcoholic! But I'm not, I swear. I just miss being able to sit out on the deck with a nice refreshing beer. Non-alcoholic beer doesn't cut it. And have you tried the "non-alcoholic wine"? Disgusting.

Cravings? Still with the fruit and pickles. And ice cream. But not together, no worries - not that crazy!

Symptoms? Again with that damn linea nigra.

Belly button? Still in much to Sean's dismay.

Best Moment this week? Starting to look at registry stuff. Not in the stores but just online. I know we need to register soon but we have no place to put anything so I'm hesitant.

Looking forward to?  Getting this damn move over with!! Too stressful for me and the baby.

Exercise? Workout DVDs. And seeing as how it's in the 90s but feels like 120938103 degrees out to this pregnant lady, walking outdoors has been minimal.

Attempting to keep it together 24/7,

Elizabeth

Expectant Elizabeth: 23 Weeks!

Gender?  Baby Boy!!

Size?  Large Mango - yummy! Haha. Just over a pound and over 11 inches long! 

Weight Gain? 20 lbs! That was as of week 20 and my doctor scolded me for gaining too much weight too quickly so I haven’t gained a pound since.

Stretch marks?  None yet, still have to keep up with the lotion – found the best one from one of Sean's patients who's a nurse - Bio Oil - highly recommend it! I can't stand the smell of a lot of the other lotions out there and this one is perfect.

Maternity clothes? I finally broke down and bought some maternity pants! My MIL gave me a gift card for my birthday to Destination Maternity (thanks Jessica!) so I bought some work pants and tops. I’m using the rest to buy a bathing suit for our upcoming Charleston trip. And my sister was very nice in giving me bags of her old maternity clothes! And a best friend gave me her maternity jeans which are SO comfy. Way better than using the belly band.

Sleep?  Meh, with all that’s going on it takes me a while to get to sleep at night. But then when I do I’m out like a light!

Miss Anything? Alcohol!! My small waist. And running. It’s just too uncomfortable now.  

Cravings? Nothing crazy but still loving fruit. And pickles – although I’ve always liked pickles! And hot dogs with dill relish (nitrate-free and heat to steaming, of course).

 

Symptoms? Does weight gain count? Lol. Nothing terrible as of yet aside from the skin problems!

Belly button? Still in, but I’m sure it will pop at some point because it’s more shallow every day! Sean can’t wait as he knows my belly button phobia. Jerk!

Best Moment this week? All of the baby movement! This little boy is a kicker (or puncher!).

Looking forward to?  Finding a new house so I can NEST. We sold ours so quickly but have yet to find one so we will most likely have to put our things in storage and stay with friends as we close at the end of July. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Exercise? As mentioned above, running is kind of uncomfortable due to the size of my belly so I’ve switched to walking. I also found some good pregnancy workout DVDs. 

Attempting to keep it together 24/7,

Elizabeth

Expectant Elizabeth: Week 16

How far along?   16 weeks

Size of the little one?  The books say 4.5 inches, about the size of an avocado!

Gender?  Don’t know yet, but can’t wait!!

Weight Gain? 7.5 pounds

Stretch marks?  None yet, still have to keep up with the lotion.

Maternity clothes?  Not yet, although a good friend lent me her maternity jeans in case I need to break them out. So far, getting by with the belly band for my office clothes, and leggings, and dresses for outside of work.

Sleep?  Good so far minus the waking up in the middle of the night for bathroom trips. Still have to get those 8 eight hours though!

Miss Anything? Again, wine. And it's annoying to have to constantly think about what I'm eating (is this healthy? is this on the "do not eat" list? etc etc)

Cravings? Still nothing crazy. But fruit - love berries! In fact, for my birthday at work this year I preferred a tart from Wegmans rather than my usual double chocolate! Weird for me? YES. I've heard that if you crave chocolate, this means it's a girl. So perhaps another sign that it's a boy?

Symptoms? HORRIBLE acne. Worst it's been in my life. Yeah, that glowing skin they say pregnant ladies get? Not so much. I knew that it would probably be my luck to make my skin so haywire, but not THIS bad!!

Belly button? Still in, but I swear it's becoming rounder - is that possible? I've always had this phobia of having my belly button touched so this is torture and I am dreading an "outie".

Best Moment this week? Trying to figure out if it's the baby I'm feeling move. I've been getting those "butterflies" and the doc said they sometimes start as early as 16 weeks...but it could be my imagination.

Looking forward to?  putting our house on the market next week!!! This has been super stressful so one more thing out of the way and off the list is such a relief.

Exercise? Started running and Pilates again!

Attempting to keep it together 24/7,

Elizabeth

Expectant Elizabeth: Week 15

How far along?   15 weeks

Cravings? Nothing crazy. I think all those stories you hear about weird cravings are largely false, from what I’ve been reading.  No pickles and ice cream topped with sardines for this gal.

Symptoms?  I’ll spare you the details of my tummy troubles.

Looking forward to?  finding out the sex of the baby! I try so hard to say "the baby" rather than "it" but it would be nice to say "he" or "she".

Exercise? walking, light weights but hoping to get back to my running this week and perhaps some yoga or Pilates

Gender?  Don’t know yet, but can’t wait!!

Weight Gain? 7 pounds

Stretch marks?  None yet, but drowning myself in lotion just in case

Size of the little one?  The books say 3.5 inches, about the size of a lemon. However, at our sonogram last week Baby M was about 4.5 inches!

Maternity clothes?  Haven't had to buy any yet and most of my pants are still fitting; although I did buy a belly band for some of them. Thank goodness leggings are in style right now! And lucky for me since my sister had a baby last year I get lots of hand-me-down maternity wear.

Sleep?  Good so far minus the waking up in the middle of the night for bathroom trips. But I am SO tired all the time that if I don’t get 9 hours I’m dying.

Miss Anything? Obviously, cocktails and wine. I’m not going to lie, this is hard. Especially with happy hours and winery season coming up! Also, deli meat. I love sandwiches! And running. Because I’ve been so tired, it’s hard for me to get up in the morning for my daily run. And then by the time I get home from work I’m about to pass out! Hoping this will change in the next week or so.

Belly button? Still in.

Best Moment this week? still just taking it all in. I checked out more baby books from the library and it's just so amazing, a miracle, that this life can grow inside my tummy! 

Attempting to keep it together 24/7,

Elizabeth